I'm jealous that I can't have the happiness that other people have.
I suppose I should be trying to find my own happiness. Problem is, I'm finding it extraordinarily difficult to let go and start anew. I wish I could stop thinking.
I still wish I had that happiness. It's difficult to believe that I can't, and painful every time I don't. For me, it's either screw-off-and-let-go or press-on-and-hope-for-someday and both are just impossible.
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On The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.
Words of Affirmation
I suppose this means encouragement, support, and nice comments in general. It's always nice to be praised, affirmed, or otherwise accepted in a social circle. In fact, such affirmations are the sustenance of some people, quelling their insecurities and slaking their thirst for belonging. Of course, such confirmation requires justification as well.
Quality Time
Just spending time with another person also counts towards showing friendship and love. Doing stuff together, whether it be for work or for fun, is usually made more fun when done with others. Time is a commodity in itself, and sharing your time with someone else is a great boon. Sometimes, nobody has to do anything, really: being in the presence of a good friend is enough. Words just aren't needed.
Gifts
Not so much the gift, but the thought behind it and the message in it. Every gift given by this person has some special hidden meaning behind it; and if the recipient manages to discern the meaning, it brings utmost joy to the giver. Sometimes, people who have this as their love language tend to neglect the gift, but instead treasure the card or little post-it message that came with the gift.
Acts of Service
Doing things for other people is another way one can show one's feelings. Sometimes, things so commonplace such as buying lunch, running errands, or lending money can show your willingness to help the other party. Those who have this as their love language feel contented and grateful when another person does things for them.
Physical Touch
The description that I read states that this doesn't solely mean physical contact; even pure proximity to another can make one feel comforted and loved. Also, an arm around a friend's shoulder or a acknowledging pat on the back can send messages of thanks and mutual comradeship.
I know which are the love languages that I appreciate most, but I can't quite figure out which are those that I manage to express best. Looks like none... what a horrible person I am.
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I was brooding about the failing of MSN in that it's impossible to detect genuine emotion in conversations. Also, its very easy to convey the wrong impression.
For instance, what does this mean:
-.-
or this
=.=
is it any different from the first one? What about
._.
or
-_-
Perhaps they all mean the same thing. Or maybe there's some subtle intricacy which distinguishes each one from the rest. For me, I use the third one when I have nothing much to say, and the fourth one in response to a weird comment. The first and second are also used like the fourth, but the second seems to imply a level of frustration or anger. I never really use the first one.
It's also weird to convey sincerity when even the most sincere stuff look cynical, even when typed with the most sincere attitude. Like:
sorry, I won't do it again
or
hey I'm really sorry!
or
hey I'm REALLY REALLY sorry!
or
sorry XD
or
i'm sorry :/
or
please forgive me
And that is why MSN is never a replacement for real face-to-face conversations. For me, at least.
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My section is expanding! HOORAY!!!
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What a day.
It's been a real emotional roller coaster day for me - from careful optimism to stinging sadness, from a blank, hope-devoid state to angry depression, from cheery forgetfulness to intense internal emotional conflict, and finally to some degree of emotional relief and release. There are things which I planned over the course of the day to pen down here, but things don't always go as planned, do they?
I am eternally grateful - this is not an understatement. I just needed to unleash; to spit everything out, to vent out all the repressed and bottled-up emotion inside me. So thank you for lending your sincere, non-cynical listening ear. Thank you for taking in all that I threw out, and being a great friend enough to understand. And thanks for simply being there when I most needed it. :D
Oh man what a day.
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Usually I never post on my religion as a Christian, for various personal reasons. Today I make exception, just for a short post. Skip at discretion.
Well at long last I went back to bible study. It's a different group; this one meets on Tuesdays instead of Wednesdays so it doesn't clash with band/band dinners anymore. I hope to honour this commitment a lot better than that previous one - because after band practice every Wednesday I would face the choice of going to dinner with band peeps or going to bible study, and usually I would choose the former.
This group meets in church (convenient), and I must say I did have my qualms about attending tonight. Firstly, there's a whole chunk of undone homework to be done by tomorrow (why am I wasting my time blogging here?), secondly there are bassoon scores to be typed out (ARMY AHH), and thirdly, I was sleepy.
In the end I went.
God must have reached out to me in a way tonight, because when I walked into the room and sat down and acquainted myself with my surroundings the group leader passed me this book (that we were studying tonight) called The End Of Reason. I flipped it over and read the blurb, which started like this: When you pray, are you talking to a God who exists? Or is God nothing more than your "imaginary friend", like a playmate contrived by a lonely and imaginative child?
It kinda struck me because these were exactly the questions that I have been asking myself over the past year, while struggling with my own faith. Is there a one true religion? Should we believe in the Christian God, and why?
Over the years an extremely scary thing I had going for me was that I noticed that many of my church mates seemed to wear blinders when it came to dealing with atheists and other religions. Sometimes, you can get so involved in a Christian life that you fail to see the other viewpoints of everyone else... but wait, isn't that the point? Because if your god exists, none of theirs do. But then again, isn't that what those from other religions are believing too? And because I believe in "absolution", one party has to be wrong - the problem is, which?
It felt like throwing support to a football team: without even knowing the players. All there was to bank on was the reputation of the team and the testimonies of the fans. But as opposite viewpoints inevitably clash, one cannot say that all teams are the best - or all fans are supporting the best team. Religion is like that, a little bit, except it encompasses our whole lives (and even the before and the after). Following one is as good as following any if none are close to the truth.
There's also atheism and free thinking. And that brings me back to the main question.
But I digress.
Bible study today was meaningful to me, and our readings contained some very thought-provoking quotes. This is the one (from the viewpoint of an atheist) which struck me most.
... instead, I knew that my atheism was drawing me down a path of narcissism, hedonism, and despondency. Yet I would rather have gone down that ultimately self-destructive road than to manufacture a belief in a phony god who doesn't exist. My attitude was that if atheism represented the best description of reality, then so be it. It didn't give me much to live for or look forward to, but truth is what it is...
It clicked with me, instantly. And that session gave me a few insights on some common questions, or rather challenges to the existence of God, or a god.
- the suffering question: If God exists, why is there suffering in this world?
- the purpose question: What are we here for?
- the creation question: Origin of life?
So I will continue to go, and hope to find the answers that I search for.
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